Monday, November 4, 2013

Let Me In

I don't want to write this post. But, I have to.

I stand in front of You, and I can see the new world behind Your tail. Your tail is swinging back and forth like a contented cat, and it infuriates me because it makes me think that You don't believe that this is bad. You lay there instead with Your eyes gently opening and closing, with Your giant head turned to the side just a little. You make me think that You're not listening...that You're telling me that this is ok.

But, it's not. You know that. You sit there, with that new, different world behind Your tail. You between it and me. And Jessika's standing over there. She's waving at me, and she's waving at all the rest of us, and she's happier than she's ever been. So why can't I go there, too?

I move a little to the left, to see past Your giant head covered in hairs that move like rivers. I'm distracted by them. It's like those rivers are endless...streaming down and disappearing near Your toes. I look to see past all of that hair, but You get up a little and look right at me. Cats like to look to the side like you were doing before...pretending to look at something else when they're fully aware of everything. But no, You look straight at me and get up a little, like You're going to come after me.

But, You don't. You don't take me to where Jessika is, and You slowly lower Yourself to the ground again.

So, I move a little to the right this time. Jessika's waving so much now, and I've never seen her smile so big. But, when I move too far, too close to it, I hear a rumble in Your throat like You're ready to bite. You won't let me get there. You're keeping me out. Why are You keeping me out? Why are You keeping all of us OUT?

So, just to make You mad, because I'm mad at You, I run straight at You with tears and cries and with my claws, because if You won't let me into that world where Jessika and Eric and Heidi and Grandma and my babies are, I'll hit You. I'll hit You so hard. Let me take Your hair, and Your paws, and that gentle tail and pull as hard as I can.

But, before I get there and with an enormous roar that shakes the earth...Jessika falls to the ground and laughs because of this...You catch me. You wrap Your beastly arms around me and You catch me. And You purr until the sound is a thunderstorm in my ears. You lick me all over and hold me. I think, for a moment, that You will eat me. And suddenly, I want You to. If You eat me...there will be no more pain. Only Your sweet breath, and that's all I want. That's all I want.

But, You don't eat me, and Jessika doesn't come back over here, and You still won't let me in. I sigh. I'm mad, I'm so very mad at You.

So lick me again, while I sit here in the grass with my head on your paws. Please...cover me with Your own tears, because I know this hurts You, too.


  1. I love this. Thanks for sharing, its EXACTLY how I feel. I hate it as much as I know God has a plan and its a great plan.

  2. This is awesome, Sarah. For those who have grieved someone close to them, this is a perfect image. I'm so glad our God is a lion that can take our hits and tugs and is strong enough to hold us still in his arms as we struggle and thrash.

  3. This is beautiful, Sarah. Thanks for writing!